Am I me?

Into higher echelons of happiness I climb,

an unchartered climb,an uncharacteristic pine

A feeling familiar only through legends and fantasy

I ask myself Is this real, am I me?

Peals of laughter I try to lock,

vehement denials as friends mock

I guess the blush is there for everyone to see

I ask myself Is this real, am I me?

Never has a voice calmed me more,

never have I felt so wonderful from the core

A strong feeling that this is meant to be

I ask myself Is this real, am I me?

As days draw closer

And I prepare for my life's chauffeur :)

I think about you eternally

I ask myself Is this real, am I me?

A question I ask myself for hours.

Now I know.This is real. I am yours

Present Perfect Continuous

Imagine if Life was that. Imagine if you woke up to a dream every single day of your life. Imagine a life full of happiness(or is it spelt happyness???) interspersed with glimpses of reality.Imagine…just imagine!!!

2006 had all the makings of a blockbuster year for me. A change in every walk of life- professional to personal to nasal. (No kidding here, a septal operation was what it took to correct a ear infection!!!). I bid adios to Delhi and turned Eastward (a little disdainfully- you may want to add) in an attempt to join the “I’m on site” bandwagon. After all, Uncle Sam never really seemed happy with this nephew of his. So I touched base with an erstwhile “uncle” (who, incidentally was on good terms with my dad as well!).I was welcomed with open arms on the condition that I would earn approximately 15 Rupees-to-a-dollar lesser than what Uncle Sam “promised”. I could do with that! So I looked at Sam(disowned the uncle part) and said “Pluck Yew” (with a Chinese accent of course) and embraced a new hope called Singapore.

Come 2007, and the hangover did not end with just the alcohol. In fact the party had just begun. New people walked into my life. New friendships were born while some were lost forever. One such person who walked into my life was Pandora and these few bytes that I blog are dedicated completely to her.

Pandora and I met quite accidentally. We hit it off almost instantly despite being anything but similar. We had different backgrounds. We came from different places. We even spoke different languages, but yet, there was one thing that was similar. Our pasts. And as days progressed I realized that we had one more thing in common. Our quest for hope and an unquenchable thirst for life.

Pandora has done in many ways what I thought was unthinkable. I thought that I had reached the threshold of pain that life threw at one. But she made me realize that what I went through was just a whiff of what she had. She survived to tell the tale while I stuttered. I messed up life’s equations, she showed me how to balance them.

I will forever be in awe of her confidence and for teaching me how beautiful life can actually get.
Life and its intricacies suddenly seem exquisite. I am soaking all of it up while loving every minute of it.

Thank you Pandora for making life present perfect continuous!!!




















PS: Last week, I found a tiny little bird that had injured its wings in an accident. I nursed it back to life and found its zeal to live inspiring. And that’s why I gave it a larger-than-life persona in this blog.

Oh yeah, before I forget I named her, Pandora!!

Home....

After what seems eternity I finally manage to give my blog one last attempt at life. But this time I have an alibi. A good one at that.

Home.

After some major scheming, I finally managed to pull off a trip that my parents were totally unaware of and least expected. Just as they were wondering where I’d vanished to, one Saturday evening I rang the doorbell.

Let me be honest here and confess that I have never seen my parents that happy, in my whole life. My dad is usually reticent and inexpressive when it comes to his “emotions” whereas mom is the polar opposite. But that Saturday evening it was different. My dad hugged me tight, and told me how happy he was to see me whereas mom just watched silently with tears welled in her eyes.

Strangely for a moment, I felt I mattered.

Is’nt it wonderful that the word “home” encompasses so many emotions? Happiness, warmth, joy, security, steaming mugs of coffee, gossip about X uncle’s, Y aunties and their latest attempts at clowning around, giving your dog a bath, eating hot appams straight out of the pan, and so much more.

A world as simple as it can get, devoid of ramifications or complications. A world all of us love to be in. A world, which we can call as ours.

For 15 days, I felt the warmth that I failed to see for 25 years. I guess, you never realize the value of something unless you lose it. I have lost the warmth and comfort of staying with my parents because work has taken me far away from them. I doubt if I will ever get those times back. Today, I feel the value of it all.

Now back home in Singapore, (though I really wonder if home or house fits the phrase better), I look back at those 15 days as the most beautiful to have happened in a long time, and I really wonder why it all had to come to an end. I guess I’ll have to console myself by saying its all a part of being on the mean median.

Miss you acha, amma.

Part 3

The train seemed alarmingly close now. The earth shook violently. He almost felt like the earth beneath him was cracking up. The ballast stones went berserk as the train hurtled towards him. He broke into a cold sweat and clenched his fists harder. He opened his eyes and looked at the train, the light was almost blinding now. He shut his eyes tight. A voice from within asked him to get up and run. He refused to listen.

Was this the way to end his life? Was death the answer to problems? What about those few moments that he spent with his few loved ones. Was it worth living for? Maybe, yes, but then what about his perennial problems? That last question made him feel that his decision was right. This was the only way out. He had to die.This was his destiny and it was his choice. A script that he penned and executed.

A ear shattering sound was the last he heard after which he went blank. He was engulfed in fumes. A few trying seconds later, it was all over. The ear shattering noise, the weird dancing of the ballast stones and reverberation of the earth. This was it, he was history.

As he opened his eyes hoping to find the angels that legends taught him, he was caught by surprise.

It was dark. Very dark. There was no St. Peter waiting for him in a flowing white robe. In fact it was deserted. He struggled to his feet and looked around. It was far from what he had expected.

A queer little red light and a familiar noise now faded into the darkness. A few befuddled seconds passed before reality dawned. The train had actually gone past him on the adjacent track. He looked around in disbelief. He pinched himself to see if he was still alive.

He had failed. Once more. Another decision gone kaput. Even death had cheated him.

Or was it the other way round? Did he cheat death? Could it have been that destiny wanted him to live? Was this a fresh lease of life that was given to him? Could it be that this was life’s way of saying that he did not have the right to decide when to die? Does life actually dictate terms?
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Well for me it has. On numerous occasions. My life has not been too different from my character’s. True, thankfully I haven’t been too much in debt, but there have been times when I have been driven to the brink of depression. Life, with its twists and turns has always sprung surprises. Some good and some not so good. Clichéd as it may seem, when one door closes, another one always opens somewhere…

So back to the story, what happens to the guy next? I don’t really know. Maybe he went home. Maybe he waited for the next train to try his luck again. Logically, there could have been no other possibility. I leave it up to you to decide what would have happened to him. How would you have reacted if you were in his shoes? Would you have gone back to an unwelcome world, where foes outnumber friends or would you have said Hasta La Vista? Over to you!!!

Cut!!!!Credits, please ;-)

Part 2

The distant rattle of the express reminded him that it had an entry in his apparently ever-growing list of sworn enemies. He walked towards his table and looked at it. There were scribblings on it. Bits of paper were strewn around. He looked up at the poster again and tried to make a strange connection between the train and godfathers take on enemies.

And then it struck him. Maybe his enemy could give him the answer he was looking for all along. Yes, this was it. All he had to do was to lie on the track and his “enemy” would do the rest. Take him away from this hellhole. All of a sudden everything seemed to fall in place. He had found his passage to history. An UNCOMPLICATED death he thought again

It was almost dark now. He decided it was time to leave. He looked at his wife’s photo and wished that she were there to comfort him. To tell him that it was all right. To give him that hug that had reassured him always. He took small steps across the make shift mantle that had his favorite photos. He saw his mother’s picture and a tear welled in his eye. She looked more beautiful than ever. He caressed the photo and mumbled a sorry to it. It was the first time in years that he cried. Probably the last.

Trudging over rocks and pebbles he walked towards the track. It was pitch dark and he could barely see where he was heading. The night had an eerie silence about it. The air was still. The walk was agonizingly painful but each step took him away from his pain and his misery he remembered. But it also brought him that much closer to death.

Making the final climb to the elevated track, he looked at the sky and breathed heavily. Sadness, fatigue and mental trauma in the ugliest of concoctions flowed through his veins. He knelt down and buried his face in his hands.

Looking around and finding no one, he arched his back on the track and lay facing the sky. The moonlit sky and the stars seemed like doing an ensemble for his farewell. Silence always hounded him, but now it seemed like even the silence was saying a silent prayer for him.

He closed his eyes and waited with bated breath. Moments passed and he felt more lifeless with each passing second

A distant rumble broke the silence. He flipped his head to his right and saw a distant light accompanied with the ear-piercing horn. He clenched his fists hard and shut his eyes. He tried not to think of anything, but they say, moments before you die, your see flashes of your life in your mind. He thought of his mother, the only lady who unconditionally loved him; his wife who had been the only sane being in his insane world. There were good things and good times too after all, he thought

Part 1

This was it, he thought

He had chewed on it for several weeks but the storm within his head never seemed to abate. Ever-mounting debts had driven him to the point of no return. His best friend had betrayed him. His wife had ditched him for death. There were just no reasons left for him to live.

Suicide had never been an option he considered. But with only his life left to lose, it seemed perfect that he lost that also. Life was like fighting a losing battle. Every road he took was a dead end, and every decision, a mistake. There was always something terrible in the offing.

Life was indeed one mean sonova bitch.

But even suicide seemed complex. Was poison better? Or Hanging? Poison doesn’t work at times. A seizure and 3 days in the hospital was all that it took you to get back on track. Hanging was a good option, but with his kind of luck, you could never say. Besides, he wanted death to be instantaneous. No last fighting moments. He had lost all his strength to grapple with life. What he wanted now was an UNCOMPLICATED death.

As he stared out of the window and at the setting sun, he took another drag of his cigarette. His house was small and dingy but he loved it. After all it was where he dreamt his dreams, where those dreams took shape and where those dreams ultimately died.
His clothes were all soiled and smelly. But then, who really cared? After all in a couple of hours he was going to be history. That brought him back to the contentious topic that had been lingering on his mind. The passage to history.

The distant sound of a train snapped him from his own train of thoughts. He stared out and saw the express tearing across with unbridled speed. He looked at it with disgust. It was the same train that had woken him up from sleep on many occasions.

He hated trains. The commotion they created. The traffic jams and the long waiting hours. Almost anything even remotely connected to a train repelled him.

He took another drag of his cigarette and looked at his table. He had a poster of Al Pacino just above the table with “The Godfather” written in big bold letters on it. Godfather had been one of his all time favorite movies and had seen it at least a dozen times. He reminisced some of the lines from the movie and said his favorite one aloud

“Keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer”

He couldn’t help but laugh when he thought of the significance of that line in his life. Friends, did he have any? Enemies, well a handful of them provided he had ten sets of hands. Maybe more. Another giggle and the last drag.

The cigarette left an acrid taste in his mouth.

I do!!!

I do!!!

2 words that men dream and later dread.

Little did I know that the day would dawn, but when it finally did, I was in an intangible cauldron of emotions. As I walked down the aisle, a niggling voice from within asked me to turn back and run. Having weighed my options much in advance, I knew that the voice could mean nothing more than the last minute jitters.

Looking around, I could see people on either side smiling cynically. To them I must have looked like a goat well on its way to the slaughter house, but then there are times in life when all you can do is smile, and look like a fool, and I guess it was my turn to do just that.

Still struggling to cope with sanity, I staggered my “last few steps”. If there was one thing that I wanted to do that instant, it would’ve been to make a documentary on my own life and watch it, because everything had been and felt so beautiful till that very moment.

But, reality struck and it wasn’t long before my “last rites” were read out.

This was it, the time had arrived, I was on the threshold of doing something I never thought I could. I shut my eyes for the proverbial last breath.

Just as I thought it was all over, I felt a tender hand on my shoulder and a question that couldn’t have come at a worse time.

“Do you want to take me?”

Startled, I opened my eyes, and there she stood, clad in the prettiest of pink, and for a moment I wondered if I was crazy. Who would say “NO” to such a PYT.(pretty,young thing)

But ……..

I had heard her wrong.

She meant, “Do you want me to make tea”

And for the first time in my life, at 30,000 feet above the sea level I said those magical words..”I Do”!!

Orville and Wilbur Wright, thank you for the greatest invention ever!!

The night before!!!

An amateur attempt at barding! Though I know the attempt is pretty shoddy, its just a weird idea that cropped up and I tried churning a poem out of it!!

There's a little explanation that I have given at the end of the poem....

The night before

Eclectic feelings engulf every part of me,
As I embark on this crucial moment of my destiny,
Will the road ahead be what dreams were made of?
Will it give the world a reason to scoff?

To this moment life safely meanders
I live my life, my own terms
But now, with the sun a new life will rise
A life of hope, devoid of pain and cries.

Bedlam reigns as the night wanes
Thoughts take me to elevated planes
AsTomorrow the whole world will change and wake up to see
I transition slowly from me to we

Reassurance affirms life changes a little
Angels dodder their way into hearts and minds,
Slowly I will discover the reason to be
And Eclectic feelings will engulf every part of me!!



Lines 1 and 3 of every stanza is(or shud i say is supposed to mean) basically what the bride feels and lines 2 and 4 is what the groom feels.While the bride is more concerned abt her family and the safetyof home, the groom thinks more about worldly pleasures and his friends, and worries that marriage will curb his freedom. But ultimately he feels that the meaning of life is completed only when he has kids and becomes a parent himself

The poem ends on the same note that it begins(with the bride) only meaning to say that it takes a while(quite a while!!) for a guy to begin thinking like a girl

I've tried using metaphors like "elevated plain" and "reassurance" afterall whats the point in writing a poem without showing off???;-)

The mean median????

221880, that is approximately the number of hours I have lived to the day this blog was created.


I still remember the first day at school where I cried the moment i stepped into the classroom, which later turned into some sort of an ugly dirge when i saw my parents peeping through the window hoping to catch a glimpse of me. The first time I did well in school(dint last long though), the first "look", the times I spent with gp, college life, bangalore days, delhi nights, to this sunday evening in Singapore,life has come a long way.


As I blog my life in retrospect and look at the future optimistically, I feel I have reached a twilight patch in my life, a patch that separates the "should have's" and the "should be's". And that is exactly why my blog got its name "The mean median"

This blogspot is just my space on the web, about things that make me laugh, think, cry, puke, celebrate, romance, fascinate, fantasize etc etc. In short just about anything under the sun.

By the way, have you ever wondered what the following combination gives?

Loneliness + a boring movie + a low key sunday+ 2 shots of vodka

The answer is : The birth of "The mean median"

There you go: My first blog on the net!!!!